10 years ago today, on 311 day, I had to say goodbye to one of the most important and influential people that had ever and will ever come into my life. Most people who knew me or us then were thankful. There was a lot of bad, and a lot that I would have a hard time putting into words, even to this day. A lot that I have never and probably will never tell anyone. In a sense, after some time, I would even say I was thankful. I used to always think that if I ever saw him again I would thank him for letting me go so that I could live a better, happier life. But the truth of the matter is that he shaped me in ways that nobody will ever truly understand or comprehend. And when I did see him again, years later, I was thankful, but for other reasons. 

Was it all rainbows and sunshine 10-14 years ago? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd even venture to say that there were a lot more clouds and rain than glittery magic. But if I think back about it now, there are still moments that I can feel and breathe and smell and see, as though they just happened. I feel 16 or 18 or 20 years old. I feel pure and excited and loved in a way that nobody else could ever love someone else. I can remember the letters, and the scavenger hunt, the boat, and the country dirt road at night.

I want you to think about how it feels to have your heart broken. Think about that time when you could actually feel the pain searing through your body. When you could feel the hollowness as the pain poured out simultaneously. Think about how it felt to not be able to breathe, not be able to focus, not be able to think about anything else, not be able to plan anything past what is happening at that current moment. To have an empty mind with thoughts constantly running through it. Over and over and over and over. Think about how debilitating that feeling is. How you can't imagine feeling whole again. How it feels like you are breaking internally.

I can vividly remember running through campus that day feeling everything all at once, trying to get to my car, begging. I can remember how my heart felt like it was dead as I sat on the blacktop of a playground parking lot, begging. I can remember throwing up all over my gray American Eagle skirt as I drove back to his house, begging. I can remember the weather. I can feel it. It was much like today. Maybe a little colder. It's funny what your mind holds on to and, at the same time, what you will never recall again. I don't remember the words. I only remember the the brokenness that I felt. The first time of many.

It's funny who comes into your life and when. And why.
We always want to know why.

The truth is, that through it all, he made me a more compassionate person, a more patient person, a more forgiving person, a more understanding person, a more loving person, a more hopeful person, and a more passionate person, for better or worse.

And when I saw him for the first time again, 7 years later, I was thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to rewrite an ending that, for quite some time, didn't sit right with me. And when I saw him for the last time once again, I was thankful. Thankful for understanding and honesty and peace between two souls who will forever be connected.

To me, it's easy to be angry in life. Quite often this is the feeling you want to feel compared to others. It's easier than feeling broken and hurt because that feels very uncontrollable. Anger, on the other hand, well, fuck them, right? But what does anger do? Does it solve anything? Isn't it better to forgive and be at peace and thankful for everything you learned and gained from someone or something? At least that's what I think. I could hate so many people in my life right now. So many times I've been hurt by someone or betrayed by someone or talked to like I'm nothing by someone. But no, I would never hate someone. Because to me, those who are the most difficult in life usually have the toughest stories, and as cliche as it may sound, need love the most. And an ear. And someone to stand by them, even if from afar.

But don't ever forget about yourself in the midst of loving and forgiving. There is a time to say hello and there is definitely a time to say goodbye. But say goodbye in peace, if for no other reason but your own need to survive and live well.