I have so much to say and cannot seem to find the right words. In my head they make sense until I go to form a sentence and then it all runs together. This may be my most rambling post yet, so bear with me.

This week has been a whirlwind, to say the least. The entire month actually. So much excitement and fun and spontaneity and gratefulness and lightness back into my life. So much energy and staying up until midnight and 4:30am, and being happy and awake anyhow. So much thankfulness to be alive and moving again. So very thankful.

Ya know, it's funny how many people in different areas of your life notice when your energy changes. For the past 3 years, I have been the quiet girl who internalizes a lot, and thinks, and gets inside of her own head too much, and posts quotes and song lyrics that reflect a deeper meaning of something going on internally. And eventually it just kinda blends into the background (unless you can relate). And then in a matter of a month, there was a BIG change. I finally felt alive again and externalized it to an extreme. And ya know what? It felt wonderful and it felt... well, like I was living again. No negativity around me. No second guessing (well, minimal, anyhow). Just living. Like my girl Kacey Musgraves says, "we can't do it over, they say it's now or never, and all we're ever getting is older." So, Yocarpe Diemlo (yeah?), get 2 hours of sleep and go to work. Your bed will be there tomorrow night and will feel even better.

Without getting into the nitty gritty, the change came from within and from external factors as well (as it tends to). But, as can be imagined, like any good and exciting whirlwind of emotion, it's done (for many understandable yet frustrating reasons). However, after a few days of anger and sadness and mandatory claw marks (as I tend to leave on things that I'm struggling to let go), tonight I'm left with a feeling of gratefulness which I don't think I'll ever be able to truly express. At least not in the near future. Gratefulness to have felt so alive and so happy again, even if it was for a short stint this time. And I just needed to let it out into the universe in some way.

So as the black cloud starts to rear its ugly head again over our friend group (Nik--where are your hand wipers?), I feel sad but hopeful. As noted today at work, I have been quieter and less antsy the past couple of days (which I'm sure isn't all bad haha), but I look forward to the time when I will have a hard time sitting still again and will ramble on and on to those around me out of pure lightness. Because how great it has been to feel happy and excited again, all the while being terrified out of my mind and ignoring it.

To end on an important note, remember to lean toward yes. Remember to lean toward openness and laughter. Remember to lean toward happiness and togetherness. Remember to lean toward hope and excitement. Fear is real, I get it. I have a lot of it in me. I'm terrified of a lot in life. Airplanes and roller coasters and scary movies and talking in front of people I don't know and sharks and heartbreak. Respect it, yes, but don't let that drive you, because feeling alive feels SO much better than feeling scared. I learned that this month in so many ways and I'm so very happy that I did.