In English: grieving sucks. No matter what it's dressed as.

I have seen myself in the ugliest forms of all of the other stages of grief: denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, and depression. And when I say ugly, I mean it. And when I say I have clawed my way through all of them, and revisited a few of them many times, I mean it. I have a picture saved somewhere of one of the nights I cried so hard that I almost didn't recognize myself. I took it to remind myself of where I never wanted to be again. And although I have been at that point many many many many times since, I saw that picture the other night for the first time in a long time, and I am thankful I don't recognize that girl in the same way anymore.

My story is for another post (as I will start my "...This is Mine" section soon... so stay tuned! (and get ready to participate!)) and another time, but I really want to talk about "acceptance" because it's something I have been thinking about a lot lately... so much so, that I think I have said the word in my head and out loud more than I ever have in my 29 years of life.

Acceptance is a funny idea if you think about it. And a term that will piss you off if you're not ready to hear it or consider it. It's something that you have to come to on your own, when you're ready. But you will know when you're ready because there will be no way around it. Trust me on this. Everyone will think you should've been there a year ago or 6 months ago. Or because this has happened or that has happened. And that's fine, because they probably love you. But acceptance happens when you're ready. So wait for it. And know that it will come when it's time. You may still have those moments when you're crying after midnight on New Year's Eve because you're going to be 30 this calendar year and your life isn't where you thought it would be. But the difference between all of those other stages and acceptance, is that 2 minutes later, you're smiling again.

Acceptance is hard to describe without describing what it's not. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like a situation. It doesn't mean that you don't miss things or wish something had been different. It doesn't mean that you don't play things over in your head sometimes even still. Acceptance is knowing that doing all of those things is ok. It's letting yourself off of the hook of guilt and sadness and whatever other yucky gut gnawing feelings you're having. It's being ok with where you are and knowing that it's time to start moving again. 

My best friend said something to me probably 6 months ago at this point. She said, "You need to say to yourself, 'this is my life. It's not what I thought it would be, but it's mine.'" After that she probably said something about moving on and making the most of it, but I don't remember that part. What I remember is someone who has had to accept a lot in life, telling me to be open to acceptance. And here I am finally, FINALLY ready. 

Grief sucks. It hurts. And it breaks you- probably in ways that you never knew you could be broken. But there's this funny little thing called acceptance. And, although not perfect, it's not a bad place to be.